Dr. Ross Campbell, author of the Five love languages of children, shares his advice about fears and anxieties.

Most adults find it difficult to comprehend just how powerful and real the fears of small children are. If only our long-ago memories were a little fresher, if only we could feel again just how it was to be in a large, unfamiliar world with so little information to help the moment make sense.

We grown-ups cope with our own fears and anxieties, of course, but we are armed with greater resources for managing them. In particular, we have advanced reasoning facilities and considerable experience with the world. However, your two, three or four year old child is not so well equipped. That’s why we parents need to anticipate the sources of those difficult emotions.

What does a preschool-age child fear? The list could be nearly endless, but we can ‘round up a few of the usual suspects’:

Darkness. Fear of the dark is amongst the most ancient and common of all fears; something of an iconic childhood event. Slightly open closets and oddly shaped lamps can seem menacing to a little one.
Separation. Around the age of two, a great many children become very anxious about any type of separation from the parent—typically from Mommy. Try dropping off a child of this age at Sunday School, or at the childcare center, and the usual tantrum may brew.
Strangers and general unfamiliarity. Small children, normally active and talkative, will grow shy around unfamiliar people. It’s common to see them hiding behind the parent’s legs or chair. We expect the mall Santa Claus to offer a delightful encounter, but it may be a fearsome one.
Imaginary threats. Everyone knows how vivid and expressive the imagination of a child can be. Without an adult’s ability to reason and understand, the child’s line between the rational and the imaginary can be a very fine one.
Loud noises or commotion. Unexpected clamor or confusion will prove unsettling for a two, three or four-year-old child. That’s why we try to keep our children in quiet, safe environments as frequently as we can.
Animals. You and I recognize that the romping beagle is simply being playful, but things look different from a height of thirty-five inches.
Parental fears and anxieties. Children are highly sensitive and emotionally acute. When adults become anxious or fearful, children immediately take on those same feelings. The adult is the source of safety and meaning; if they become uncertain, then the child’s world has suddenly been robbed of its foundation.
Objects under the bed. Many children imagine frightening objects under the bed during the night. Simple ways to help your child with this problem are to look under the bed and assure the child; have the child look under the bed himself, or simply assure the child that all is well.

We observe a category of children in this age group who are particularly shy and dependent upon the parent. Mom and Dad naturally worry about the child’s reticence; they wonder if this is a case of special needs. It may be, but it’s also true that many children—like many adults—simply need a bit more time to become acclimated to anything or anyone new. Shyness isn’t necessarily the same as fear. More often than not, parents will find that patient love will help the child learn to venture cautiously out from the ‘safest adult’ to the next safest, until separation anxiety isn’t even an issue.

Anxiety is a bit like fear, but a special category thereof. Anxiety is fear without a face, the uncomfortable semi-awareness that life lacks equilibrium for whatever reason. Fear of darkness or the babysitter is specific and can be handled accordingly, but a child’s anxiety may come from a source more difficult to determine—or indeed from several sources. The child may become silent, temperamental, particularly needy of affection, or the child may manifest some other behavior. The watchful parent will note the change in behavior and avoid the trap of also becoming anxious. That response, of course, will only lead to more anxiety for the child. A cycle of anxiety can escalate.

As we’ll see in the next section, the best response is to offer unconditional love and enhance the child’s feeling of safety and security.

Responding to the child’s fear and anxiety

The primary need of any child is to feel unconditionally loved and accepted. So many of the child’s fears—separation, unfamiliar circumstances, and the parent’s fears, for example—can ultimately be seen as threats to the child’s basic, foundational sense of having a home and being loved there. Some children say they’re afraid of the dark, for instance, when the real issue is aloneness. At bedtime, the child is asked to go away from Mommy and Daddy and actually fall asleep that way.
This is why it’s not enough simply to love our children. We must be certain that we affirm that love in every way we can, as often as we can. When children are afraid of the dark or fearful of bedtime, we affirm that we’re right nearby, perhaps on the other side of a wall or door. We’re slightly apart, but our love is intact. We also spend special time with them before bed, reading a story, embracing warmly, and ‘loading up’ that special affection between parent and child.

It’s important to speak patiently and compassionately with our children when they express a fear. “A monster? That’s silly!” is a distancing statement rather than a reassuring one. Sometimes all the child needs is for the adult to listen, and for the opportunity to verbalize the fear. That in itself might cast out the fear.

We also need to be very conscious of what children see and hear, and how they perceive that information. Mommy and Daddy may speak in terms only half-serious about ‘being poor’ or unable to pay the bills; nevertheless, the child hears this as a true threat. Where will he sleep? Will the toys be taken away? Some Dads joke, “We’ll just throw you away!” or “We’re going to give you to another family” with that traditionally masculine, aggressive jocularity. The child may not detect the nuances of grown-up humor. Parents can never forget that little ears perceive and hear a different world.

Above all, the issue of security is central in helping the child grow beyond normal fear. At all times, we want our preschool children to know they have a permanent home and loving parent(s). Darkness will only last a few hours, then the morning; the babysitter is only here a few hours, and Mommy or Daddy will return. The parent must establish themself as strong, affectionate, and available to help with whatever seems threatening or uncertain at the moment. The Bible tells us that perfect love casts out fear, and that statement is never truer than in the case of parent and child.
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Written by Dr. Ross Campbell - co-author of The Triumphant Child: A practical guide for raising two, three and four year olds and The Five Love Languages of Children

Exciting news. The new book will be out soon.
Will keep you posted on when the book is available.

If any of you would like to book Dr Huff or Nicole for a virtual book tour, let us know - we can supply a guest blog, have Olson or Nicole answer any parenting questions your readers may have and we can give you a book to giveaway. 

We have all seen preschoolers with pacifiers firmly lodged in their mouths.

Often people are amazed that parents let their children use them for so long. But, if you are the parent of a child addicted to their binky, you will know the peace that comes from it’s use and the battles that occur when you suggest it needs to go! A lot of parents accept it’s use until the first birthday, with a vast majority trying to wean them off their pacifier by the second birthday.

First off, decide when the time is right. Encourage your child to give up the pacifier when he's reached an important "big boy" or "big girl" milestone eg a birthday, moving to a big bed. Ensure there are no major changes or stresses occurring in your child’s life. Decide if you’re going to go ‘cold-turkey’ or ‘slowly but surely’.

Here are some strategies that you can try:

• Try offering rewards eg a family outing or a new toy.
• Many parents try cutting a small hole in the pacifier. The child thinks it is ‘broken’ and often simply stop using it.
• Arrange a visit from the Binky Fairy. She comes and collects pacifiers (often from outside your front door overnight) and gives them to new babies who need them. In exchange she often leaves a little treat.
• Enlist your dentist’s assistance. Prior to their dental appointment, contact the dentist and ask them to talk to your child about pacifiers and teeth development. Often hearing the suggestion from an ‘authority’ can encourage children to give up the habit.
• You could try a slower method of weaning them off their pacifier. Set some rules for pacifier use, allow them to use it in the car, stroller and bedroom. Then only for naps and at bedtime. Make bedtime the last one to go. You may have some rough nights but stick to your decision and try and be as positive as possible with your child.
• Some parents use a product such as ‘Thum’ which helps children to stop sucking their thumb. Coat the pacifier with the bitter tasting liquid.
• If you’re trying the cold-turkey method, try doing it on a quiet weekend when nothing is planned. You may have a lot of tears and broken sleep, so be prepared for the worst – you may be pleasantly surprised!
• Keep your sense of humor. All children give up their pacifiers sooner or later. Good luck!

Parent Tips

Marnie writes: “My 3-year-old son used to LOVE his pacifier. He learned to speak with it in his mouth, walked around with a spare one in his hand and had others hidden in various places around the house. He is my youngest child and my other two children gave up their pacifiers when they were 2. One day we saw a Transformer toy being advertised on the television and he said he wanted it. I said I would buy it for him if he stopped using his pacifier TODAY! Ha, I thought there was no way he’d do it, BUT HE DID! He gathered them up from around the house and we ceremoniously put them out in the trash can. That night we had tears and he asked if he could get one from the trash but I cuddled him and told him Transformer stories and the trash can was never visited.. He was obviously ready.”

Melissa writes: “I actually let my daughter use her pacifier until she was 4. We restricted its use - but basically she loved it and it wasn’t a problem for me. She could only use it on her bed. It wasn’t allowed to be used anywhere else. When she started kindergarten she simply stopped using it because of the social pressures.”

This can be such a delicate topic. It's important to help your child understand what it is so they can cope when it happens.

Just as birth and new beginnings are a part of life, so too is death and the loss associated with it. Talking honestly and openly to young children about death can go a long way in helping them to understand it and to develop positive coping strategies.

Following are some ideas on how to approach this delicate area:

• Death is a hard concept for young children to understand. It needs to be explained in a very simple concrete way. For example, when someone dies you can tell your child that they are no longer breathing and their heart is no longer working. Let your child know that they can no longer walk, talk, eat or sleep. Children experience life in the here and now, therefore by explaining that the person's body is no longer alive and can't do the things such as walk, talk and eat makes it a little easier to grasp.
• Often children will ask for this information over and over again particularly if it was someone close to them. Young children struggle with the idea that death is permanent and not reversible. Children have very vivid imaginations so if they imagine the person is still alive then they begin to question the permanency of death. Always answer questions calmly and simply.
• If a family pet dies (which is always so sad) this can also be a time of learning. Allow your child to calmly observe the stillness of the pet's body. Point out that there is no longer any movement or breathing. Explain to your child that the pet's body is no longer alive. Include your child in any rituals or belief systems you may have about death. This can provide a framework for understanding what death is and how to cope with it.
• Talk to your child about your belief systems (if you have any) surrounding death and remember to keep your explanations simple. Answer any questions your child may have or ask your child if they have any questions.
• After explaining about death to your child you should ask them to explain it back to you. Its remarkable what can be uncovered when you do this! They may come out with something completely different than from what you have just said. Oftentimes these differences are made up of misconceptions that your child has about what death is. So it is necessary to gently correct any misconceptions. You may have to go through this explaining and repeating it back process several times. Not all at once....this may occur over several days or even weeks. Just have patience and gently go over the same explanation each time and try not to alter your explanation as this can cause further confusion.
• Find some children's books which explain the concept of death and read them together and answer any questions which they may provoke.
• If it was someone close to them that died it can be helpful to put together a special book about this person. Use photographs and encourage your child to draw some pictures or tell you what to write about them. You could ask your child what was their loved ones favorite things to do and include these in the book.
• Encourage your child to express any feelings that they may have and let them know its okay to feel sad or angry etc.

Three common misconceptions young children can have about death:

1. Death is not permanent.
2. Death is reversible.
3. Magical thinking (imagination) for example, " I was angry with Auntie Dot and wished that she would go away and that's why she died.'

Four concepts which help children understand death:

1. Universal - the concept that all living things eventually die.
2. Irreversibility - in this children struggle with the idea that once the physical body of a living thing is dead, it can never be alive again.
3. Causality - in this concept young children are challenged with understanding what it is that really does or can bring about the death of a living thing. This is where young children's vivid imaginations come into play.
4. Non-functionality - this refers to the end of all bodily functions such as breathing, eating, walking and playing.

The following ideas will hopefully make your next grocery store trip will be alittle easier.

• Avoid shopping if your young children are tired and hungry. In fact, try to avoid shopping if YOU are tired and hungry.
• If it is available and you like the idea use internet shopping, have your groceries delivered.
• Create a list and be organized so that you are not in the store any longer than you need to be.
• Give yourself enough time. Children feel stressed when they are rushed, and this is when the behavior starts to go downhill. I used to try to rush up and down the aisle with my 1-year old trying to break the shopping world record. One day I asked myself, "What are you doing?" CHILL! I decided to slow down. If that meant letting her having a 'turn' at pushing the cart, or stopping to look at the doggies and kitties on the packets in the pet food isle, then that is what we did.  We were both less stressed and happier at the end.
• Let them play -okay- I can hear you thinking, "What is she talking about?" What I mean is that children are more likely to be cooperative if what they are doing is fun. I remember spending one whole shopping trip with my two-year old daughter and her friend crawling behind the cart as cats. As long as I stayed in character ("Here kitties."), they would do what ever I wanted.
• Shopping is filled with great learning opportunities. Try these phrases out: "Could you get the yellow packet, please?" or "See the one that starts with 'B'?" or "We need the square box."
• Tell your child ahead of time what type of behavior you expect.  Children cannot read your mind. Spell it out for them. Will you be buying them a snack or taking one? Let them know before hand. Do you want your children to take turns at putting items in the cart?  Let them know.
• Involve your child in shopping by helping to look for certain items, placing items in the cart, and crossing off items from the list. Children love to help. This tip can also help the fussy eater. If a child has helped to choose a food, then she is more likely to eat it.
• Take snacks and drinks to avoid the inevitable hunger pangs at the sight of all that food. I always took snacks for my daughter when we went shopping because I never wanted her to get into the habit of expecting something every time we went to the store. I do now occasionally get her a treat, but she doesn't expect one every time.
• To keep your child safe, stay with them at all times. Keep them seated when in the cart.  If they are young enough, or keep standing in the seat, use the restraint.
• Visit the toilet or do a diaper change before you get in to the store. Now I know this does not always work. If your little one needs a change or to go to the toilet, then just leave the cart near a check out, and tell a staff member you will be back. Don't get angry - as frustrating as it is because, as the saying goes - when you've got to go, you've got to go. I could not begin to tell you the amount of times this has happened to me.
• Remember to praise your child for good behavior. For example "I really liked the way you are staying close to the cart today".

For many families, separation and divorce is an emotionally, devastating time, where parents find themselves acting in ways that are not rational or cooperative.

Pick Up and Drop off Times

One of the most emotionally stressful times for a child is when a parent arrives to pick up or to drop off a child. Children are aware of the tension between the parents: they have experienced the shock and sadness too and may feel insecure about further conflict and tension.

To help support children, you can give them advance notice of any changes, show up on time and as planned. This gives children a sense of security - they can know and trust what will happen next. Keep to the arrangements as children can easily feel rejected and confused by unexplained failure to arrive or be dropped off at the expected time.

Practical tips for visits

• Visits are not times for parents to check up on each other or attempt to negotiate contentious issues. Children need to be able to go between both households without being questioned about what is happening in the other. Children will naturally want to talk about the other parent – but should not be ‘pumped’ for information. This distresses a child.
• Children need access to both parents therefore helping contact visits remain positive and stress free assists in relieving further grief to the child.
• It is better not to move children between households too close to their bedtime. Nor is it beneficial to the child to start out on an activity or outing the minute they arrive or return. Allow children to settle and adjust.
• Children may sometimes show distress in one form or other upon returning from seeing or staying with the other parent. The distress is usually real and a calm, empathic response will help children work out their own way of coping with their parent’s separation. Active listening allows the space for children to tell you in their own way what is going on, if they are aware of it and then to begin to work through it themselves.

Different Environments

Parents do not need to provide duplicate environments for their children concerning rules of behavior etc. On the other hand just as when both parents lived together it is important to reach broad agreement on matters of child rearing practices. It is not uncommon for there to be disagreements between parents about what is good or safe for children or other child rearing issues. Effectively finding ways to support children through working together will benefit their adjustment. Give each other time to settle before trying to negotiate changes.

Things to Avoid

Children are loyal and trusting of both parents, therefore as parents, we look to behave in ways that does not abuse their trust and not take advantage of children.

Messenger: Using children as messengers between the two parents teaches children that adults cannot talk honestly or directly to each other

Anger: Anger between parents has a destructive effect on children – and often covers deep hurt and grief.

I Spy: Asking child to report on the other parent is destructive; it is using a child for your own ends.

Disneyland Daddy, Mommy Santa: When visits are used just to give the child a good time, or outings and gifts take the place of normal parenting.

You can go if you like but we are going on a picnic: Do not set up competing activities, it spoils children’s pleasure in being with either parent.

Children have a right to:

• Be able to enjoy the love of both parents without excessive demands placed upon them.
• Feel proud of both parents and to be able to respect them
• See their parents behave towards each other with at least minimal courtesy, consideration and respect.
• Be listened to by both of their parents so that their needs are met

As parents, if we can have respect and hold all the people in our life dearly, then we can intuitively guide our children into developing confidently and able to meet many of life’s challenges.

If you have a preschooler, you need a set of blocks. It is really that simple.
Why are blocks a must? First, they are concrete.  Preschoolers aren’t ready to think in the abstract ways that worksheets require.  Plus, their developing writing skills (fine motor development) won’t allow them to think through writing as quickly as their minds work.  Blocks do.

Not only do blocks allow for concrete learning, they also tap into your preschooler’s need for repetition while learning.  Young children will stack and knock down blocks over and over again because of the sensory rewards—the sight of the blocks falling is breath-taking and the sound is awesome.  

Because many of us associate math with worksheets, we think that preschoolers aren’t ready for math lessons.  Maria Montessori, a pioneer in early childhood education, emphasized the importance of concrete forms in math education between the ages of three and five.  Math manipulatives facilitate the abstract thought needed later to compute numbers. She recommended that young children constantly move objects, like blocks and beads, and use their senses while learning because it leads to a later desire to write out a mathematical operation.  

Blocks are often available, but they are not always used for intentional math & play sessions.  Simply having blocks available for a preschooler to use does not take full advantage of the potential that blocks have to construct a math mind. To unlock the mathematical benefits of block play, your child needs social interaction with you.  

If you don’t have wooden blocks, you can make your own blocks out of lightweight cardboard boxes (tissue boxes, cereal boxes, oatmeal canisters).  For added weight, pack them with newspaper and tape them shut.  Whether you have wooden blocks or not, making some cardboard boxes together and talking about their size and shape and what you would like to build with them is a great way to introduce your intentional math & play sessions.

Here are some age-appropriate purposeful block play ideas:

• Lay out block pattern with three or four blocks (triangle, circle, triangle, square) and ask your preschooler to match or continue the pattern.  Recognizing and predicting patterns is an important logic and math skill
• Select eight to ten blocks and ask your child to “Make something really cool.”  You may find that your preschooler creates roads, a house with walls and floors, or the tallest possible tower.  No matter what, give lots of praise and ask open ended questions like, “What will people do in this room?” or “Why doesn’t your tower fall down?”  If you notice a clear preference for constructing one type of structure after playing this game several times, ask your preschooler to create a new type of structure.  You might say, “I love your towers, but could you make a town with roads this time?”  Building a variety of structures fosters different types of mathematical thinking.
• Name the different block shapes and point out similar shapes around the room.  For example, the rectangular window or circle rug.  By doing this, you introduce the concept of mathematical shapes as structures, much like what they have built during block play.
• Encourage your child to sort the blocks by size.  Use comparison words like big and small.  Later when your child is asked to find the bigger number, he will have a concrete reference for size.  Also reinforce the use of comparison words with concrete objects by asking your child to stack the small block on the big block and the big block on the small block.  Stacking blocks of different sizes (and letting them fall) fosters the spatial reasoning needed in geometry and offers hands-on problem solving skills.
• Get out a tape measure and note specific differences in the sizes of the blocks.  By using tape measure, you introduce units of measure and fine tune comparisons. (Leave lots of time for this activity because both of you will want to measure everything—including each other.)

Block play is a rich parent/child activity—filled with touch, sight, sound, repetition, and imagination.  The guided, tactile learning activities listed here are meant to help you lead your child into a curiosity for the world of mathematics.  That sense of curiosity—the desire to know—is the most prized school-readiness skill and so easy to build.

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“Careful! Don’t touch that stove! Hold my hand! Look out for cars! Knives are sharp! Climb down from there! Careful, careful, careful!”

Wow! What a load of care and concern greets a parent each second of every day. Like the proverbial dark forests of childhood fairy tales, danger lurks at every twist and turn and at each new encounter. What follows are common sense reminders about how to recognize and avoid some of the most common hazardous happenings that lie in wait for unsuspecting children. And those unexpected dangers cannot be overemphasized.

Accidents are still the leading cause of serious injury and death at all ages of childhood. The old adage, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” cannot thus be neglected. Often very simple but intentional efforts that are the ounces of prevention will lead to a lifetime of safety. So, in spite of the dismal dark woods filled with dangers ahead, sixty seconds of thoughtful prevention can bring the bright sunshine of safety to yet another step in the march to growing up.

Preschooler Safety

Keeping them safe and out of harm’s way can be quite a challenge. Young children are smarter than we give them credit for, and just as curious. When it comes to safety around the home, you can't be too careful. From the visible items such as poisons and sharp objects that can be locked up or relocated, to the "unseen" dangers such as dust mites or lead in paint, potential dangers lurk throughout the home. The following is a list of tips for making your home safe for your young child. Following these tips, with a good dose of vigilance and common sense, will go a long way in keeping children safe and happy.

• Check to see if your home’s smoke detectors are working
• Keep all medicines, cleaning products and other poisons locked away
• Look for and cover unprotected electrical outlets
• Check fire extinguishers are in a protected but accessible place  
• Keep knives, scissors, razors and other sharp tools out of reach or locked away
• Knick-knacks can be irresistible to preschoolers. To keep children - as well as your breakables - safe, place them high and be sure there is no furniture set up in such a way that a child can climb to reach an item
• Tie up or cut loose cords that hang from curtains or window blinds 
• Place slip-proof material under area rugs to prevent slipping or falling   
• Soak up spills on floors immediately 
• Dust breeds tiny mites that dwell on carpets and fabric. To keep dust mites away, wash bedclothes often and stuffed animals periodically
• Homes that are more than 15-20 years old may still contain lead-based paint. If you own such a home, find out how you can safely remove the paint, and then re-paint walls with lead-free paint.
• Bath safety - after you fill the bath – run a little cold water through the faucet to cool it off. Have an “adults only” rule for using the faucets. If possible turn the water heater thermostat down to no more than 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Always stay near the bath when filling to prevent scalding and drowning. Children should never be left alone in the bathroom for any reason, nor any length of time. Use a non-slip mat in the bath to prevent slipping and falls
• Washing machines and dryers can be tempting for a youngster who may think it a fun to place to hide. Always make sure the doors to each are closed tight and engage the lock if you have one
• Keep utility/garage areas child-safe. An unanchored ladder could very easily fall on a youngster. Paint or varnish are lethal if swallowed. Keep them locked away in high cupboards
• Young children love to watch their parents use power tools. Never leave them plugged in or lying on easy-to-reach surfaces. Store them in a locked drawer or cabinet after use

Accidents are the leading cause of death and injury for young children so remember to be on the look out for dangerous situations. In so doing you will be creating an environment where your children can freely explore and from which they can safely learn. Finally, watch your little ones at all times. There may be things you discover in your home that he or she is particularly attracted to. Be ever watchful, but, at the same time, enjoy your child and watch as he or she delights in new (and safe) discoveries.